Living with ADD
Support for ADD / ADHD
I am a spouse of an ADDer--need advice
Hi--Finally--after 13 years of marriage I am starting to get it. Try to let go the small things go and adapt as needed.
I have learned to not engage each morning when my wife says--I cannot find my keys, shoes, pocketbook etc.--all the while remaining pleasant. A new one this AM--she took the lunch I made for her to work plus she took our son's brown bag lunch as well. I am chuckling now because his friend at school split his lobster sandwich with our son.
Multiple cups of coffee at various places in our house simultaneously--shoes being taken off and left wherever they are removed--all of this stuff and much more I am calling small stuff.
It is the big stuff that is more concerning--
- Bouncing checks
- running up debt--I have been the rescuer several times months later--trying to figure out a way to "fix" poor judgements regarding spending
- not seeming to be able to pace herself regarding energy level--it's go--go--go--go and then crash for a day or more
Any thoughts?
Jim
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by scattered on -
Tara's Show this week with Melissa Orlov had something to do with this. You can listen to on the right side of this website and at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/add-adhd-coaching/2012/01/24/trust-iss...
Is she doing anything to deal with her ADD?
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Permalink Reply by Jim on
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She takes small doses of adderall daily however--nothing of a behavioral nature that I know of. She does visit with a psychiatrist about 4 times/year.
scattered said:Tara's Show this week with Melissa Orlov had something to do with this. You can listen to on the right side of this website and at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/add-adhd-coaching/2012/01/24/trust-iss...
Is she doing anything to deal with her ADD?
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Permalink Reply by Jim on
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Danielle said:Hi Jim I enjoyed reading your "tale" of truth because that is such a relief to know I am not alone. I am just like your wife. Also, I admit I have problems with managing money so we are working both really hard, my husband and I, at handing over some of the responsibility to him and me being given only a necessary amount in order to protect our little family. It helps a lot but it does not fix the problem. I see a therapist for this issue and it is very hard on me but also on my husband.
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Permalink Reply by Jim on
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Jim said: Hi Danielle--Thanks for writing--I am just beginning to study ADD. It is comforting for me to read your words. I am so happy to have found this on line tool to help our situation. We have 3 therapists involved right now. I do not know where all of this will take us but, at least for now--I feel better.You seem brave--Do not give up on your pursuit of happiness...............
Danielle said:Hi Jim I enjoyed reading your "tale" of truth because that is such a relief to know I am not alone. I am just like your wife. Also, I admit I have problems with managing money so we are working both really hard, my husband and I, at handing over some of the responsibility to him and me being given only a necessary amount in order to protect our little family. It helps a lot but it does not fix the problem. I see a therapist for this issue and it is very hard on me but also on my husband.
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Permalink Reply by Jim on
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Danielle--Please forgive if my writing seems rushed. I am at work and only have 20 minutes.
Remember--I am the spouse of an ADDer. I do not think my lovely wife has accepted the ADD as much as you seem to have accepted it. Her psychiatrist suggested that she might have some ADD and prescribed a low dose of adderall daily. I suspect that some depression/ow self esteem is involved as well. No official diagnosis yet--however I suspect this has been going on her whole life.
Our house is small so I try to clean when I can. She hates cleaning and I like it so this is OK although it would be easier if both of us did some of it. She told me a few years back that she was not a "domestic queen." I can live with this.
My wife sometimes tells me that I have ADD. I think she is projecting when she says this although someone once said--"All of us have a bit of ADD."
My biggest challenge is to be complimentary towards her.
Several years ago I too started self medicating to a dangerous degree with alcohol as a misguided way to cope with the ADD stuff. This made things worse. My bad--- I must have had a personality defect. I have not had a drop in 14 months and can see things much more clearly these days. Studying/communicating really helps and makes me feel better.
You mentioned how music helps you. With my wife it seems to be several televisions in the house on at the same time.
I could go on and on but must close for now.
Danielle said:Jim, can you believe I had it in my mind to reply and I forgot because I got distracted! Thank you for saying I am "brave" I think living with the same issues is the easy way to go, but it can be hard to ask for help. To put ourselves out there witih our problems and be vulnerable to criticism. I feel safe telling my issues to my therapist but only after months of working with her. I have done a lot of reading about ADD but came up short on material for ADD for women. It's a little different for us than for men. I do struggle with some of the same things as described by men who have ADD, like feeling of low self-esteem, I don't feel that I compare up there with those moms whose houses are so tidy. Try as I do, I just can't get into a routine. It's practically impossible for me. And I have tried so many times. I'm just not the ideal housewife, I am scattered, jumping from project to project, I can focus if I have music in the background, so there is always music going on in my house. I would love to hire the professional organizer for other projects but I don't as yet, have the money. Organization soothes me. Yet, I feel unable to do it all myself. I do try.
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