I laid in bed fully clothed, wet cheeks, breathing quickly. It felt like my chest would explode in any second. Clothes were scattered all over the bedroom floor around me and the bathroom light was still on. I didn't care. I didn't care about anything. My heart still ached and my stomach was in knots after the panic attack. I just needed to breathe slowly and calm down.
The light from my cel phone caught my eye. It was a text.
"I'm leaving work now. I'll be home in just a few minutes. Hang in there sweetie," it said. It was from my husband.
Hang in there? I always hang in there.
The all too familiar feeling of guilt and embarrassment washed over me as I began to think of all the reasons why my husband should've married someone else. Someone normal. He didn't deserve this. He was way too good for me.
I tried to think about how I got to this point. What happened to me? I just felt helpless. Defective.
(We'll just call him Brad), When Brad came home, I could hear him rushing up the two flights of stairs to get to me. His faced looked scared and exhausted. He was obviously worried; and so was I.
Over the past year these panic attacks had become more frequent. I had been diagnosed with ADHD four years earlier after a lifetime of social, educational and professional turmoil. I feared now, that there was much more to this diagnosis that I hadn't addressed. A deep, dark and lonely depression accompanied by an anxiety so intense that answering my phone or even leaving the house became more overwhelming than I could bear.
Brad gave me a kiss on my forehead and then scrambled through the top drawer in his nightstand looking for something.
"I'm calling your doctor," he said matter-of-factly.
"Can you please go downstairs and make the call?" I asked. I didn't wanted to hear the conversation. There was already too much noise going on in my head.
"Sure, I'll be right back. Are you ok?"
"No. I'm not ok," I said. "I'm definitely not ok."

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Comment by Lindsay on August 21, 2014 at 3:21pm

I only wish I had a husband as supportive as yours.  My husband sees my ADD/Anxiety as an "excuse" and a character flaw.  He makes me feel like a lesser person due to something I cannot control.  He makes it sound like it's so easy to just "change" and "be a normal person".  He seems to think I have control over how I feel, even though I have explained to him countless times how if it were something I could just turn off, I would do it, because I would never choose to suffer like this for another second if I had any choice in it. 

I know how it feels to feel and be "not okay".  I sincerely hope you discover a coping mechanism that can help you deal with yourself and with life.  Give that hubby of yours an extra kiss tonight and let him know how much you care about him.  He sounds like a god send.

Comment by Deena on June 20, 2014 at 7:38pm

Karissa, I've started a group called women with attention deficit disorder. Like Marr, I'd read the book--well the audio version--which is what inspired me. I hope you'll consider joining (will send you and invite), and now that a family wedding is over I hope for more time to post and participate.

ps: you've got a great writing style, you're blog will both help you and inspire others.

Comment by Marr on June 12, 2014 at 4:31pm

Oh and I feel so much better about myself the more I learn about my ADD and connect with my ADHD community. I listen to Tara free radio blog, and free webinars on her ADDclasses.com, and chats. I'm involved in various sites to get as much information as I can. There are a number of ADHD free podcasts on line thru iTunes. You can listen on the computer or download onto an iPod.

Comment by Marr on June 12, 2014 at 1:19pm

I remember long ago being in an emotional place where I felt that my husband deserved better to, and let's just say it started to very bad thoughts that I started having to fight off. I didn't want to color his reputation by what I was feeling influenced to do to myself. I called a friend psychologist but didn't tell her my thoughts, but it helped stop the progresstion of them continuing. It was then that I knew I needed to understand things about me, and why I couldn't just pull up my boot straps and change things or making my functioning feel better inside me. I had struggled as hard but didn't understand just why until age 50 when I was told I have ADD. After reading Sari Solden book Women with Attention Deficit Disorder could I really see the answer I needed earlier. I think also I was feeling panic feelings that day as I also had physical manifestations. My husband at the time was on deployment having been gone for a while, and I was left sitting among my own shame and the false face of adequacy I kept trying to improve upon to turn it into real adequacy. I kept trying to hide them for the shame I felt when they were exposed. Unfortunately my first husband died in a military accident and my guilt spilled over into dream nightmares. Eventually thru Therapy I got help with those, but I had a long way to go before truly understanding.

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